don't know what to say

It's straight out of a movie...one that's scripted to perfection...one that's been directed and executed brilliantly...just the one movie that killed everything cinema, and the freedom of 'expression' stood for. The terror strike on the city of Mumbai, on the heart and soul of the city that I derive everything from...I don't know what it's done to me. I've walked around in my house aimlessly...without any feeling of what I'm doing....it's...worse than sickening...its worse than any nightmares I've woken up with, panting and sweating and out of breath. Yes...I feel the air changing...around 30-40 kilometeres far away from the site of the attacks, and yet, I feel it in the air...in the environment.

It's easy to say we had it coming...it's easy to say we'll bounce back...but...how...just HOW the HELL did it happen? how did some random guys with GUNS come into a crowded railway terminus and shoot hapazardly? ...THE TAJ Mahal HOTEL---the entire city, especially people in the suburbs who go to town for work, have this deal with Fate, with Destiny, with their friends on Gateway too...Let me Earn enough to give you guys a superb dinner at the TAJ...what's going to happen to their dreams now?

The OBEROI--right next to the NCPA...the theatre of dreams, the place me, and my fellow thespians make our Home for the month of December...our festival Thespo, scheduled to have its 2 days on the 13th and 14th...and...we see this happen right next door...heartbreaking was an understatement.

Whoever these bastards are...they did it alright...they shook us up...they waited, and waited...they ate their meals, they sat in their positions, they waited and watched, and then attacked every round of commandos we sent in...this is just perfect. I don't mean to blame it on complacency...but 3 locations, where hostage-count, and shaheeds(people killed on duty) go on similar terms, and we find terrorists dead, or captured, in each location, less than 5...it's just...insane.

The idea that everyone I knew was safe, became secondary for the very first time that such a crisis has hit us...the places that were attacked...I've been there for the last 4-5 years almost on a daily basis...they say a name, and i see the picture in my head, before it's flashed on the television set...and all I can think of is...WHY THE HELL AM I HOME WATCHING THIS?....what could I have done? why wasn't I there? ...I am ESSENTIALLY and PRACTICALLY a scaredy-cat....and yet, I felt terrible for being away from it...when those wretched brutes were killing those hostages, and firing rounds at our soldiers.

I don't know why I'm posting this...I don't know how it helps...I know this blog was meant for me totalk theatre with you...but this is one time, when I don't stand by the line: The Show Must Go On....no...we can't have a show when people come in and point a gun at you and tell you to evacuate a theatre, or drop the curtain, and blackout an auditorium. THat's exactly what it feels like. You're caught inside an auditorium...the audience is at gunpoint, as is the cast, and crew...you can't do a thing...can't call up and let the world know...and they're gona hold you...hold tyou till this one army guy or police guy comes in and faces him and either dies from his bullet or kills him with one of his own...and for this....that's how this post came about...I dont' care about Pak's involvement, I don't care about what everyone thinks...I just know that this is an eerie image of the city, and that I'm sure that it isn't over...there's probably more to come...3 top cops killed in one night...will lead to a lot of repurcussions, among other things.

I still, still...for some stupid hopeless reason wish I could be pinched and can wake up from this NIGHTMARE and I'd still be doing Thespo work on wednesday evening, with nothing but the Festival to worry about.